Update

15 August 2003
It's been a long time since the day I was told I had to have Bertie put down.

Two years on, and much to the surprise of everyone Bertie is still here. He is retired and out to pasture and will stay that way until his condition substantially changes for the worst.

Initially, Bertie was only going to have the 2 remaining months of Summer before I put him down so he didn't have to endure the rough winter outdoors. However as the days passed, and Bertie muddled through, spring arrived and Bertie got another summer. And so it repeats!

I have been lucky that at both yards where I ride, they have been generous enough to keep Bertie out at pasture without charging me ... probably more to do with Bertie's charm than anything I have to offer.

Each time I visit him, he comes over for his sweets, and I wonder if there is sign of improvement. I constantly wish for him to get better so we can again go galloping bareback together across the common. There are good days and bad days, but I think I am deluding myself every time I ask if anyone thinks he is sound.

The shock of "having to have him put down" has subsided, it clearly hasn't happened. Now there is a mixture of happiness that my favorite friend is still here, mixed with bitter resentment as he has been left to torment and remind me of all the things we can no longer do together. The blessing that I have more time with him does not compare to what has been lost.

All things considered, I am sure Bertie is happy. He limps around eating grass all day finding time for a canter now and again. I occasionally sit on him bareback and wander round his field. He seems grateful for the attention and always looks for the jumps he thinks we should be jumping. Sadly for me, he is a shadow of the horse I remember.

In the early days, you would have never seen a more dejected horse. Clearly feeling the abandonment that comes when there is no longer a rider to use them and fuss over them. The constant movement to unfamiliar habitats as we looked for an environment he could stay for the rest of his time.

The first winter was very hard, watching him stand by the gate in a muddy field with droopy ears, dejected and alone. His friend George no longer able to be with him. It was the hardest sight to see. I was sure I could not leave him like that much longer and the end was near.

When I moved him to his new and current home it was the hardest. He lived out with a number of other retired horses. More depressed I had never seen him. They were not his friends, not to mention trying to find his place in a new "herd". He found himself isolated and alone, and I hated it.

But summer is here again and he has settled in and there is a happy balance. Conditions are good, he is starting to waddle he is so fat ... either that or I am expecting a foal!

He has made new friends (although they come and go), the space is good and grass is plentiful. In winter he will have thick rugs and warm barely.

This is the best he and I are going to get, but from they way things look now, he is being a horse and is happy and will be with us to eat a few more tons of horse sweets for a few more years yet!