My world caves in - The worst news you can get

11 August 2001
Some equine residents have vacated the five star stables and Bertie was quick to claim one and now has been a much bigger stable to stay in.

Of course the hay in the other horse's stable is always greener.

16 August 2001
Life is not being fair on Bert and me. Its been a rough year. First his lip and then a ligament, and now this...

In hindsight it makes more sense now. I called the vet because Bert was tripping up on his off side foreleg. I was skeptical that the ligament was the cause, he had been stumbling now and again since I brought him back into work after his time off for his lip. Nevertheless we gave him six weeks box rest for his upper suspensory ligament strain.

A few weeks ago he started with a bit of walking in hand, and I noticed he was dragging his offside hind leg. I though nothing more of it for a week or so. One morning I took him to George's jumping lesson, so that he could have a bit more freedom and wander loose while we had our lesson. On discussing Berts lazyness my riding instructor commented that she didn't think he was using his quarters properly. On returning home we called the vet. The vet said he didn't like what he saw and wanted to refer him to the Royal Veterinary Collage for X-Rays.

Well two days later we had an appointment and went back but this time for some new investigations.

I am sure Bert thinks they are mad, their is no way they are going to fit him in such a small bag ... his mistake its all gone dark!

They performed some neurological tests and determined that he was demonstrating Ataxic symptoms on all four legs with it most pronounced on the offside hind. Time for some X-Rays to try and identify the problem.

After more sedation, I wonder if he is starting to like it too much, they took some X-Rays of his neck.

Since we were last there they have now got an amazing digital X-Ray machine...

I am not quite sure when the day started to go all wrong, but my jovial nature and stories of Bert's antics ended rather suddenly. I guess I should have realised when everyone went rather quiet and people seamed to disappear.

A vet came back to explain Bert had a degenerative joint disease of the neck vertebrae which was causing compression on the spinal cord. The prognosis ... the measure of Berts time with me on this earth has suddenly changed from years to months.

This came as rather a shock ... the floor under you just seems to disappear. One second I was happy as Larry, skeptical that all this prodding would actually find anything. The next, one is brought down with a crashing thump while trying to make sense through disbelief of what you have just been told. I feel sorry for the vets who have to break such bad news.

You must excuse me if this sounds rather clinical, its hard to know what to say. I feel guilty sharing this awful news, it puts your friends in an awkward position ... there is not much that can be said.

I don't feel shock, more disbelief - A part of me doesn't believe its true. Since that moment I have a constant sickness in the pit of my stomach as I feel cheated and robbed of my best friend in the world.

I only live for Bert and George. I am very bitter about this course of events. Many times I have feared what I will do in 5 or 10 years when Bert and George might eventually pass away. I am not a greedy person, Bert is only 10, I would have been grateful to have 5 years with him. I see around me horses of 25 and I feel bitter inside at the cruel hand dealt us.

He is not gone yet. George has been very depressed this summer, being in the field without Bert as he stands in the stable all day. There is no point is trying to rest Bert's leg anymore. At last a part of me is happy, for the time being at least, to have both my babies out in the field again, happy with each others company and the liberty of the field for the duration of what passes as a summer in this country.

I sit here and think of all I have lost, all I have missed over the last 8 months and going forward into the future. The months of waiting patiently for bits of Bert to heal as people all around me tell me next year is another year. And now they were wrong...

There is a lesson that says you should live every day as if it is your last and plan like you are going to live forever. I could sit here feeling sorry for myself in my loss, but at least I am blessed knowing I still have time with Bert even if I can't do all those things I so much wanted to do with him.

It brings tears to my eyes each time I think how much I love him and I remember his pending fate. Nevertheless I shall make the most of the little time I have left with him, any which way I can, and do my best to share it with all who care.

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