"Yeee Haaa, Branston"

"Pardon?"

"Yeee Haaa. It's what we Western Riders say to our hosses to get them going".

"Look here sunshine. You turn me out in this big field; leave me alone for 6 weeks, and then come up here talking in a strange tongue. You expect me to come to you? You think I'm going to fall for that old pony nuts trick so you can get the head-collar on?. No way."

"No. Listen to me Branston. It's a great idea. We get you all fitted up with a nice Western saddle. It's a bit heavier than you're used to - a lot heavier in fact, but it shouldn't be a problem for a big strong lad like you. It's a great big comfy thing with long stirrups so I can actually get on board. Riding you will be just like riding a Harley Davidson, even down to the agricultural noise and smells."

"Still as offensive then Spuds"

"No-it's all for your own good. You see, Western horses are trained so that I'll just need to touch a left or right rein to make you turn, and a slight twitch on both together and you'll stop, just like that. And listen- you'll like this. If I want to make you trot, I just click my tongue at you. And if I want you to canter, then I make a noise like I'm blowing you a kiss. It'll make my life easier and save a lot of trouble between us, you know. I've got your lessons booked."

"You blow kisses at me and I can see it causing trouble. What about my street cred eh?. Do you think that the Master blows kisses at his horse? Just because we Brits always follow American ideas doesn't always mean that they're better you know. Anyway, this isn't hunting tradition. You'll be disbarred from the hunt".

"No problem, my son. I've already spoken to the Secretary. As an experiment I'm going to go hunting in a pair of cowboy boots; jeans with these nice green chaps over; a fringed rawhide jacket, and Patey's will make me a special hard Stetson. I'll paint spots on you, and we'll really look the business".

"Now you're really winding me up. What's brought all this on then?"

"Well, I went Western riding at Longleat with a bunch of your correspondents from the Internet, and we had such a good time that it seems like an idea to continue."

"So you've been unfaithful to me then, you trollop. Next time you try to mount me you're in big trouble".

"You're getting mareish in your ways. I had a perfectly innocent relationship with a steady old workhorse called Nudge, who sucked his mints rather than crunching them. A workhorse, my friend, that had brakes and steering; useful attributes if you want to stay out of the glue-works".

"Gulp".

"And it's possible to jump. I've done it so I know".

"Come on Spuds. You want me to believe that if I take a five-bar gate from no more that a two-stride run up, then you'll still be entire when we get to the other side? Just picture the pommel on that western saddle."

"We'll need to practice that bit. It's early days yet".

"Longleat; isn't that where the wildlife park is?. I wouldn't fancy hacking out around there."

"We saw some giraffes on the other side of a tall fence, but the horses didn't seem to mind. The biggest danger around there comes from out of the blue. The stables is right at the side of Cley Hill. About 30 years ago a local woman claimed to have been abducted by aliens whilst driving across Salisbury Plain. Since then, right up to this day in fact, Cley Hill is a centre for people who see strange flashing lights in the sky and witness other unusual events."

"Including you galloping through the English woodland wearing a black fedora and a pair of six-shooters around your waist eh?"

"I'm a good guy; I wear a white hat. The real hero of the day was the girl who lead the ride out. She got kicked in the shin when one horse got carried away by events. The poor girl gritted her teeth; tears welled up in her eyes, but she just rode to the front and very quietly rode on. I think she was quiet because she wasn't breathing. In the pub at lunchtime I asked her how her leg was."

"Don't even ask about it" she said. "I don't know any words that could even begin to describe it". She was soon up and about sorting out the horses though. Nudge insisted on herding all of the other horses into one corner, then getting upset when some other horse was next to the love of his life. Complex relationships you horses have".

"Not half as complex as your life will be if you present yourself at the Opening Meet in full Western regalia. If I were you I'd keep that for sunny Saturdays with my friends".